Unwelcomed Anniversary

Dec 20th 2012. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer which was later confirmed at stage 3 due to the size of the tumour. Which was also later confirmed still contained at my right breast area.

Alhamdulillah. Grateful. yes i am.it could have been worst.

So, it's almost the anniversary of being a cancer patient.

Of course, i have worries. questions. but don't get me wrong, i have fully accepted my fate.

fully accepted the fact that my life will never be the same.

The truth is, this year hasn't changed me that much except maybe, well, i have  surrendered my right breast along with some lymph nodes to the good doctors.

and i am much more forgetful.

and i also have to take hormonal pills everyday for the next 5 years.

and keep reading and digging about Cancer, supposedly cancer-killing herbs etc etc.

I have yet to embark on the journey of digesting anything else other than what the doctor prescribed.

but, since being diagnosed, i do read and researched a lot on the subject.

How people are afraid of chemo, radiotherapy, surgery.

i keep asking why? 

people say, we're always afraid of the unknown.

If the above procedures are gonna kill me instead of curing me, it's ok.

These are all just asbab or the reason for us to die.

It's all in god's will.

I have read about cancer patients with multiple chemo sessions and still alive and kicking.

After reading and hearing from others, i don't know if those herbs will work for me.

despite all the testimonials, i still am sceptical.

So, i resorted to Habbatussauda as my main multivit and the leave the rest to Allah SWT.

I have decided to go on with my life. with extra positivity.

I kept my outdoor activity going on until the 2nd chemo until my oncologist asked me to rest.

Be more thankful.

These office people actually held a feast with prayers just before my surgery.

I tutored my son to get him ready for his UPSR.

Not an easy feat considering the stress level involved.

and keep it strong not only for me.

but for Oya as well.

She needs me.

But once i'm gone, i do hope she's being well-taken care of.

The numerous trips to hospitals for chemo and radiotherapy, beating the traffic, scheduling my days, has really taught me some valuable lessons.

Don't take things for granted.and be prepared for anything.be patient.

Imagine driving yourself to yet another treatment and found the hospital's parking lot was full.

i had to park somewhere else and took a cab.

Nope, i didn't need my husband to be there. Not only he's totally a left-brained kinda person but i needed him more at home to entertain and take care of the kids when i was tired.

But it's all behind me now.

 I really hope i don't have to go for another sessions of chemo or radio.

i really2 have to start changing my diet now.

I kept praying hard that no metastasis will take place.

Yes, sometimes, i do have the feeling of loneliness when imagining leaving all these behind.

thinking when i am gonna die. thinking what will happen if things get worse.

some says being diagnosed with cancer is just the same as being handed the death sentence.

so what do i do next? am i prepared enough to see my maker now?

what about my special child Oya? 

should i be singing "Salam akhir, salam yang teristimewa...."?

No point worrying about things i have no power to change. Just let it be.

Allah knows best.

i have to keep surviving.

thus, i have to stay positive.

hence, happy anniversary dear cancel cells in my body.

yerp, you got me right. I won't deprive you of all the sugars and junk food you need.

not yet. but once i have started, you'd better watch out.

ps Memohon kemaafan atas segala kekhilafan diri.

halalkan makan dan minum.