Baru ku tahu

Ya Allah.
Hari ini makin sakit dada belah kanan neh.
Mungkin kesan radioterapi. Hopefully it's the effect of it.
Not the effect of metastasis whatsoever.

Sebelum ini, aku hanya membaca mengenai kesakitan yang dialami oleh pesakit2 kanser including seorang senior di SMSS yang sudah pun menjadi arwah. Al Fatihah buat Dalilah Tamrin.



Apa yang aku rasa neh mungkin hanya sedikit. Aku dapat rasakan ini bukan lah kesakitan sebenar yang kanser boleh bagi. ini hanya efek daripada radioterapi.
so, it left me wonder. what's in store for me.
apa lagi yang aku akan hadapi.
i am strong,i know. i am positive, i know. but somehow, being strong and positive will only help me go through life (or whatever left of it) better and full of hope.It's still won't erase the sadness within me.
It still won't make the reality go away. These cancer cells may still attack my whole body without me knowing it and make their own progress.

No my friends. I do not hope for  a big bungalow or my own GT-R.
I do know that ajal maut di tangan tuhan but it isn't wrong for me to wish for longer life kan?
My fears are all for my children. who will take care of Oya once i'm gone?
I am seriously afraid for her.

Not to mention that i wasn't a good muslimah before. this is have to admit.
what bekalan i have to present myself to my maker? malu. takut. semua ada.
i am seriously takut for this also.
neraka kah tempat ku? Ya Allah. aku mencuba Ya Allah.
Ampunkan aku.hambamu yang kerap lupa.

i keep telling myself that there are people who have been a cancer survivor for years.
i have to keep telling myself that i am needed by Oya and Allah won't simply let Oya suffer once i'm gone.

i have to keep telling myself that i will survive eventhough i am afraid of the unknown.

I will not fall apart.

ps 20 Dec 2013 - Genap setahun ku bergelar pesakit kanser.